Hope

I have been so touched and saddened by the RAD blogs I have read lately. The struggles and absolute heartache are so evident. And these are people full of faith in God and their children. And yet it hurts. And is harder than anything they've ever done before. I know this road. I've been there before. I know only a few people read my blog, but I wanted to be an encourager tonight. To give you strength and courage for just one more day.

Some of our history is scattered throughout my postings but the basic history is we have 2 biological kids, now 20 and 16, and 3 adopted siblings, now 19, 11, and 10. Our oldest adopted daughter Brittany came to us when she was 10 1/2. She had spent 7 1/2 years with her birth parents, years full of abuse and neglect. After 4 years with us and finally discovering a RAD therapist, she divulged that she had been sexually abused by her birth father. We spent 4 years in hell before that trying to get her help and find out what was wrong. As we discovered her sexual abuse she started unveiling all the damage she had done in our home and to her siblings. We knew nothing of RAD or any adoption issues when we got these kids. We were so ignorant and trusting and that cost us dearly. We would have protected all of them from Brittany. I will not go into details, but there was enough heartbreak to go around. Of course, I was the object of her anger, but she was passive aggressive until we started RAD therapy. And the truth came out. And I became afraid when our therapist said we needed help beyond her abilities. Many people would say we bailed on Brittany. This godly therapist helped us cope because we had 4 more children at home to protect and to nurture. She went into a group home for sexually abused kids and "worked the program" but never came home to us. Eventually her new therapist convinced her that our morals and values were far too high and she could never live up to them so why should she try. That put an end to the parent/child relationship, especially when her therapeutic foster parents invited a young man into their home to visit overnight. Can you guess what happened? Of course, Brittany slept with him because they don't believe in alarms or any kind of proactive protection. That further stabbed us in the back. A couple of years later she accused us of abusing her. Social services investigated us for 5 months and obviously came to the conclusion that Brittany is a very sick child. She is out of the system now but has called to get her birth certificate, while telling me that she is reunited with her birth parents and they never wanted to give her up. She said she lied about her dad abusing her, that it was someone else. Whatever the truth is, she remains a disturbed young woman with a future that I can only imagine.

We have spent the last 5 years since Brittany left putting the pieces of our family back together. Her younger 2 siblings have RAD and they have acted out all their grief, anger and fear of being abandoned and thrown away. It has been years of therapy, alarms on doors, intense supervision and absolute exhaustion for me especially. But all of this is to say that there is still hope. Martin and Stephanie are not Brittany and there is hope for them. Their parents' drug addiction and abandonment have done a job on their brains, and we struggle every day with school and attachment issues. But things have gotten better. I don't know if they will ever be "normal" kids, whatever that is. But they have a chance at a good life if they will continue to work and allow love to do miracles. Last night Stephanie apologized in tears to me again because she had so much anger towards me. Pitching fits, screaming, biting, all directed at me. But she worked through it. And now she knows that I will never leave her, no matter what. She still battles with her thoughts and feelings, but there is hope. We have moments when our family time is good, not sabotaged by my RADishes. Times when they allow themselves to be happy and not scared. Genuine feelings of love without maniupulation. Yes, there is hope.

I don't have great advice on raising your special needs child. I will say to take care of yourself. You can't fill up your family from an empty vessel. You have been given an amazing task, of raising damaged children to learn to love and trust again. God knows the depth of our abilities and strengths so much more than we do. So when you've reached the end, that's where God's grace and power is most evident. Stephanie asked me if I regretted adopting them. Not for a minute. Do I wish I had known 9 years ago what I know now? Absolutely. Has my heart been broken for these children? Every day. Did I think things would ever get better? Not when I was in the middle of the worst moments of my life. But there is hope. And healing.