Very Interesting

Today was an interesting day at my house. Tim was off today and I was getting dinner ready (in the morning) to go in the frig, the two kids were eating breakfast and Martin comes quickly up to me saying he was "quaking". Go hug the toilet, I say, giving him a weird look. This is the kid that 30 seconds earlier asked for more pumpkin peanut butter bread and was yakking it up with Steph. I checked on him and he hadn't thrown up but looked a little pale and was squatting by the toilet. Make yourself comfortable I tell him. His hands seem to be shaking. Of course, the next time Tim checks on him he's not shaking at all. My gut instinct the minute he said he was "quaking": he's faking. Oh, a terrible Mom am I. My child wouldn't fake being sick, especially since I'm going out of town this weekend. And the light goes off, folks! I've tried a different approach to my "girls weekend" this time by dealing with the big feelings ahead of time, talking about it, processing it, you know the drill. Hoping I don't get punished after the fact for leaving them. I think it backfired. But I treated the symptoms: make a bed in the den, bucket next to him, resting, no food. Steph had a session at UNC-G with the Speech/Language Therapist so she and I trekked out in the rain. Martin felt a little better when I get home (surprise, surprise). He asked for toast with jelly. Wrong. Toast with butter. Nope. Plain old toast for the sick boy and a banana (I was feeling generous).

Later on Martin got to rest with me in the afternoon. We talked and he admitted he thought if he was sick I wouldn't go on my weekend. We've had some deep discussions lately about God and whether he truly believes in Him. Why heaven is a great place, not a place to be feared. All sorts of big thoughts and feelings. I think God is working in his heart and convicting him. It's so hard to tell. But most of the time I'm spot on with my instincts. This time I was right, although Martin has never done this before. He told me he felt far away from me and wanted to be close. Well, son, that's not the way to get close. Lying and being the boy who cried wolf doesn't fly with me. His consequences for faking it: he had to do his math (although that was all) and got more toast for dinner while we had a delicious meal. That made him cry, as important as food is to him. No TV or computer, just resting and reading and going to bed early. Amazingly he feels much better now. Go figure.

Positive Thinking - Not!

I had a kind of "aha" moment this morning. You see, I struggle with maintaining a positive attitude. My mom is very negative and I don't like seeing it in myself. So I really have tried hard to look at the good in a situation instead of the difficulties. My "aha" moment was realizing this morning why it's so hard for me, and has been hard for me since the adoption. RAD is an exhausting, overwhelming state of life that consumes and eats everything around it. I wake up in the morning ready to teach my kids about life and science and math and cooking and all that "stuff" we homeschoolers do. Then the manipulation and the bickering and the "I'm smarter than you" attitude starts before they're even done with breakfast. There goes my positive attitude! Only those in the trenches will understand this. You expend all your energy just trying to survive and love in spite of all the barriers they throw up. Being all jolly and happy just doesn't seem to be a priority sometimes. And yes, I'm not fun a lot of the time. I feel like I have to write it on my list of things to do! I guess I'm making excuses because it's so frustrating, but I know I'm doing my best here, one day at a time and keeping it real.

Going Through the Motions

Recently Stephanie was sick with just a cold, thankfully not the H1N1 flu. I've already had that and bronchitis and it was brutal, not unbearable, but not fun. But when one of the kids is sick it just reminds me of how much all of us need our moms. If you had one that was attentive to your needs as a child, count your blessings. If you didn't, commit yourself to being the kind of parent that actively seeks to meet the physical and emotional needs of your child. Stephanie tried to be a trooper, but it meant so much to her when I did her chores for her and allowed her to just be sick. I did the basic mom "stuff", getting her medicine, taking her temp., giving her lots of hugs and seeing that she had a nest made where she was comfortable. Yet as she began to feel better her attitude changed somewhat and she started to return to "old" disagreeable Stephanie. As we cuddled tonight I asked her why she changed. She said she was just more comfortable the old way. Aren't we all? I thought about how hard it's been for me to learn to parent differently with my RADishes, to give them what they need, not necessarily what they want. To keep trying and persevering when I'd like to quit. Putting one foot in front of the other and modeling the life I want my children to strive for. Convincing them they are truly worth all the hard work, for them and for us.

Martin has really struggled with "going through the motions." Our family went to a Matthew West concert at our church a few months ago and Matthew talked about what led him to write these lyrics:

This might hurt, it's not safe
But I know that I've gotta make a change
I don't care if I break
At least I'll be feeling something
'Cause just okay is not enough
Help me fight through the nothingness of life

I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
Without your all consuming passion inside of me
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,
"What if I had given everything,
Instead of going through the motions?"

No regrets, not this time
I'm gonna let my heart defeat my mind
Let your love make me whole
I think I'm finally feeling something
'Cause just okay is not enough
Help me fight through the nothingness of this life

'Cause I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
Without your all consuming passion inside of me
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,
"What if I had given everything,
Instead of going through the motions?"
[ Matthew West Lyrics are found on www.songlyrics.com ]

Martin doesn't seem to grasp the idea of heaven and how something we can't see can be better than anything we can imagine. My sister died when he was just 18 months old, the kids having just moved in with us. My dad died this past February and Martin and Steph experienced the difficulties and realities of life with my elderly parents the last two years. Martin just keeps coming back to this song because as you RAD moms know our kids do go through the motions. Sometimes that's all they can do. And sometimes they reach deep within themselves to let love in and take a chance on themselves and us. As we cuddled tonight I just reiterated my beliefs in a loving God and faith that requires us to stop "going through the motions." I think this song needs to be the theme song for all of us parents (especially moms) seeking to make a difference in the life of a traumatized child. Because most days it feels like we've given everything, with nothing left to give. Praise God that "His mercies are new every morning." I want to be sold out for my Lord and my family. I will not just go "through the motions!"

Trust

Oh, yeah. Big word. Trust. For our RAD kids it's a two-way street. They don't trust us because their birth parents did them wrong so they don't want to be hurt again. But I don't trust my RAD kids. I hate that. Goes against everything I work towards with my kids. But it's the truth. When can you ever trust them? I have trusted and believed in them a lot as they have begun healing. Yet they will look me in the eye and lie without blinking. I struggle so much with loosening the boundaries knowing they will cross over them. And then when things are going badly my knee jerk reaction is to clamp down bigtime. When are they just being kids and when are they devious and angry RADishes? What is personal and what is not? I get so tired of not having the answers. It feels like one big guessing game. I think I'm a pretty good mom but I don't really know with them. I have to trust God with what I can't see. Trust. I don't know if I'm spinning my wheels or if we're making progress. Everything looks fine from the outside. But is it really? Or when I turn my back are they ready to stab me? I know they're not as sick as their sister but just how sick are they? Am I deluding myself into thinking they are healing? Are they just playing the game better? Why do I ask so many questions? Aarrgh. Time for a Snickers bar.

Gratitude

For me fall seems to be a reminder of all God's gracious blessings to me. It's so easy to get lost in the minutia of the day with refereeing kid quarrels, figuring out what to fix for dinner ONE more time, same dishes, same dirty clothes, same old me. But I absolutely adore the cooler weather and the leaves changing and blowing in the breeze. I am blessed. In the battles for the hearts of my children I often forget this. I have a husband who loves me, unconditionally, and believes in me usually more than I believe in myself. I have my firstborn daughter who knows when I need hugs and always calls to see if she can bring me something on the way home (like french fries and milk shakes!) I have my firstborn son who is a huggie guy who still embraces me in public and comes to see me no matter what he's doing or who he's hanging with. I have my daughter Steph who is full of potential and is learning to believe she deserves the best in life. She knows her mama loves her all the time, no matter what. That's huge! And I have my youngest,Martin, who is a challenge and a joy at the same time. He is full of life and energy and is learning to channel it into compassion and empathy. What a blessing! I am blessed. Through the heartaches and overwhelming days of despair in the past, I am blessed to know the God who is the giver of all good things. I deserve so little, yet He gives me so much. His mercies are new every morning. Thank you God for loving me and trusting me with all these people who rely on me and fill me with all the good "stuff" every day. I am blessed!

New Driver

Yesterday was a turning point for my son Joshua. He's been 16 since last December, but we make our kids wait and get their license when they've had more experience. Yesterday was THE day. He is now a full-fledged driver. Yikes! The mama in me always dreads this day. I am a worrier when it comes to driving, though I've gotten better. Letting go and believing they can handle emergencies and critical situations is a big one for me. But I can't lock him in the closet forever. Shoot. If you don't have kids this old, your day is coming. And I have two more to go. You really will have to pick me up off the floor when Martin and Steph are old enough. They've got a long ways to go to earn that trust. And be able to pay for half the insurance :-)

Joshua is an amazing young man. He works at our church part-time for our music pastor and loves it. He plays keyboard and sings in the church youth band. He's playing Above the Rim basketball and is the leader on the court. God has gifted him with many amazing qualities and strength of character beyond his years. It is so humbling to have adults tell us what an enjoyable, godly young man he is. Even as a young boy he was different, with a maturity and understanding that God knew he would need. He was saved at the age of 5 and he knew exactly what he was doing and what he believed. At age 11 he surrendered to God's call on his life at summer camp. I have seen God preparing him and using life's circumstances to mold him. I am just proud to be a part of his life, glad that God gave him to us to enjoy and guide. The road has not always been easy or perfect. But I've enjoyed watching the journey, and I so look forward to the future with Joshua. (If I can get used to this driving thing....)

Memories

October 2nd is a sad anniversary for my family. 2009 will mark the 9th anniversary of my sister's death. In June of 2000 our family went from four to seven with the adoption of 3 siblings. Major adjustments, chaotic life. Four months later my only sister Brenda died from a heart attack. Grief, shock, disbelief, utter pain. She was only 53 years old, and I couldn't believe we were burying my sister. Her only daughter Jennifer was devastated. I couldn't comprehend such a loss. Still can't. But I never doubted or questioned God's love and faithfulness to me. I believed and KNOW she's in a better place. I miss her terribly, especially taking on all I have with my parents and then my dad's death in February. Tonight I grieve. And remember. And thank God for the gift she was to me.

Here is the eulogy I gave at her funeral.

For those of you who know me, you know that my background is in singing and drama. I have participated in many, many funerals over the years, but today's will be my hardest because I say goodbye to my sister and friend, Brenda Cathcart. I wanted her friends and family gathered here today to know the special woman I called my sister and friend.

My sister was 15 years old when I was born, and I'm sure my birth caused her much grief and embarrassment because she had to help change my diapers and pick up toys and chase after a precocious little toddler. I'm sure I was a real help to her when she started dating! When she got married at the age of 19 she wanted me to be her flower girl, but I was too shy and fell asleep in the pew instead. She later became amazed along with the rest of my family when I became a performer who was very comfortable in the spotlight. My sister and I later began our journey of sisterhood and friendship when I used to spend the night with her when I was around 11 years old. We would ride around town in her yellow bug singing, "I'm Popeye the Sailor Man, toot-toot", and toot-toot became her nickname for me. When I was 18, my dear niece Jennifer was born. I would come to her house after school and watch her bathe Jennifer and love her, and we bonded over her newfound motherhood. Brenda knew that if anything ever happened to her I would take Jennifer as my own and love her with all of my being. That is still true today.

Brenda was my matron of honor when I married my husband Tim 13 years ago. She was at the hospital when my first daughter Rachel was born. Four years later she kept Rachel when I gave birth to my son Joshua. My children could not have asked for a better aunt or a kinder friend. She was my confidante, partner in crime, yard sale negotiator, and most of all, my encourager. This past weekend we had the unusual task of taking a 24-hour trip to the beach and back. We spent 4 hours int he car talking and sharing and laughing and crying. We had our first sleepover by staying the night in a hotel and enjoying a quiet seafood dinner. As we drove back from the beach on Saturday, we called each other on the cell phone when we passed a yard sale and threatened to pull over each time. God gave me this precious gift of time to appreciate the woman I call my sister and friend. Her final email to me was a note of encouragement regarding our adoption of the three children that will make our family complete. She believed we were crazy but she also empowered me by believing I could do anything. For each of you who knew my sister, that was her greatest gift to each of us. She made us feel important, valuable and encouraged us even when her own life was full of discouragement. So many of you have told me that she was your best friend. That's just the way she made us feel. The dictionary defines friend as a person whom one knows well and is fond of;a person on the same side in a struggle; a supporter or sympathizer. My sister was all those things and more. I thank God for the privilege of calling her my friend.

As the shock and grief continues to overwhelm my family, I take comfort in knowing my sister is in heaven rejoicing in her Savior at this very moment. I know because 2 years ago I asked her if she died that day, did she know where she would go. She told me she believed she would be in heaven with Jesus. If I asked each one of you today that very same question, would your response be the very same? There is a heaven and a hell and there is a God who loves you so much He gave His only Son to die for you. There can be nothing greater to be said of my sister's life than that her death gave someone else a chance at eternal life. As we have discovered, there are no guarantees about tomorrow.